The Swirling Eddies Spinning Vortex Fun Club
Volume 1, Issue 2 1990
Hello again to all you little "eddies" out there. We're back!! Welcome to the 2nd edition of the Swirling Eddies Spinning Vortex Fun Club Newsletter.
AD-ROCK FEVER SMITES THE EDDIESAUSTIN, MN- Those enigmatic superstars, the Swirling Eddies, have signed an exclusive multi-dollar contract with the Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota in yet another cheesy corporate sponsorship deal. Hormel has bought the rights to the song "Let's Spin" for use in their upcoming MTV ad campaign for their canned, processed luncheon meat. The chorus will reportedly be rewritten "Let's SPAM, everybody let's SPAM!!". Hormel will also be underwriting the 'Eddies" upcoming world tour where the boys will be breaking own the barriers of rock fashion with their new "SPAMdex" rock pants. The 'Eddies' have proven once again that they are the cutting edge of modern music. Group spokesman Camarillo Eddy believes this new innovation could save hundreds of dollars in food expenses as well by simply scraping off their pants after the gig and making little finger "spamwiches" for those wild post-gig parties the 'Eddies' are so famous for The Hormel Co. declined to comment on the deal.
EDDIES RESCUED FROM VIDEO LIMBOThe epic video "Spittle and Phlegm", which spent not a few months in rock purgatory, was released to mainly rave reviews (and some audible groaning) at the first of the year. This forty-five minute "schlockumentary" has raised quite a few eyebrows and has sent most of us to the floor, clutching our sides with laughter. The centerpiece of the tape, the innovative concept video of "I've Got an Idea", proves once again that you don't need a huge budget (or any budget for that matter!!) to be creative. The first part of the video, a bizzare silhouetted interview of Camarillo recounting the completely ludicrous history of the band, is filled with actual footage of some of the cheesiest acts in show business history. It's the ultimate parody. Call it the Anti-Video. The Un-Video, if you will.The rest of the tape is home video footage of DA's trip to England and their reenactment of a pub brawl on stage at Greenbelt. For those who were hoping for some actual footage of the Eddies, take heart, we're working on it! Look for a new video this summer.
During the tremendous delay, those who ordered the video received a special collector's video in the form of "Camarillo's Apology", where Cam apologized for the delay and basically told everybody: "Hey, get off my back, it's COMING!!". This special video also included an impromptu, lip-synced rendition of Mystery Babylon from Outdoor Elvis. It's a classic.
MEET THE REST OF THE SWIRLING EDDIES...ARTHUR FHARDY
Born in Fargo, N.D., Arty was raised on a farm by his grandparents after both his father and mother were reported 'missing in action' in Vietnam. But a young Arty clearly wasn't cut out for life on the farm, as he ignored his chores and continually got into fist fights with the livestock. Deciding the boy needed a change of environment, his grandparents sent him to the prestigious Liberace Piano University (LPU), where Arty quickly distinguished himself as virtuoso.
After graduating with honors, Arty played a small part in the historic Woodstock festival, when he delivered a large pepperoni pizza to David Crosby onstage. Arty never returned to the pizza job, knowing that show business was his destiny.
In the early '70s, Arty made his way west to seek fame and fortune in L.A. He took a job busing tabies, which led to a job driving a bus for the city, and finally working for well-known sports entrepreneur Jerry Buss. Turning his energies to acting, Arty acquired an agent named Jimmy the Armenian, who landed him a gig as David Carradine's stunt double in the hit series "Kung Fu". After the show's cancellation, Arty won a regular part on "Little House on the Prairie" until Michael Landon reportedly grew jealous of his hairdo and canned him. Soon after, his agent was imprisoned for tax fraud, extortion, and carrying a concealed weapon in his beard. Agentless, Arty became disillusioned with acting and went into a self-imposed exile.
On a whim, Arty agreed to act along with another struggling thespian, Camarillo Eddy, in a low-budget expose' of the Orange County Christian Music Scene. This modest venture proved an historic moment however, for when the Eddies formed a few years later, Arty was asked to join the group. Although he is repeatedly mistaken for Peter Fonda, Arty remains the quietest member of the group due to a chronic case of laryngitis.
BERGER ROY AL
As the son of stern missionary parents, Berger is familiar with both the joys and the hardships of the "road". His German parents' dedication to their calling took the family around the world, with long stops in Zaire, New Guinea and the French Riviera. Berger remembers the French as being particularly hard to get along with.
Playing bass was not Berger's first foray into the sometimes serious, sometimes zany world of music. Young Berger became something of a prodigy when he started taking flute lessons at the insistence of his militaristic father (who harbored a life-long fear that his sideburns would someday grow out of control and cover his entire face). Berger was eventually asked to sit in as guest flutist with the Berlin Opera. Always the prankster, Berger would often anger stuffy opera-goers by throwing in a dissonant note or two during the final movement of Das Fledermaus.
His woodwind career was brought to an abrupt close however, when he caught his lips in the spokes of a ten-speed bicycle while training for the Tour de France.
In the 1960's, Berger earned a reputation as a musician's musician by playing in over 600 bands, sometimes appearing to be in two places at exactly the same time.
In 1976, Berger and his life-long collaborator/friend Lenny Wagonmaster wrote a song Elvis reportedly wanted to record until an aid pointed out the lyric "All you need is love and a big bucket of chicken" to the King. ( The song eventually ended up on side three of a Led Zeppelin double album.)
Roy Al now lives quietly in a suburb of L.A., where he splits his time between denying involvement in the Bay of Pigs invasion and adding to his substantial collection of ancient Babylonian pottery.
Hort comes from a long line of show business people. The son of Bruno and Clara Elvistein, a Viennese mime team who fell upon hard times when without warning Bruno became convinced he was Billie Holliday, young Hort spent his adolescence touring Europe in an early incarnation of "Up With People". But the road was a harsh mistress and things were never easy for Hort and his compadres. Too poor to afford a whole hotel room, they had to take shifts sleeping upright in a closet, sublet from a Lithuanian poultry merchant named Donny.
Things began to look up when Hort shortened his last name to Elvison and moved to Los Angeles. By day he worked breeding oscelots and at night he played in a group called the Sleeping Walkers, an existential polka band fronted by a set of identical, narcoleptic triplets named Walker.
They achieved a measure of success until the lead singer met with a fatal accident after falling asleep on a Slip'n'Slide. The band folded. Despondent, Hort practiced his drums alone in his room for years, reading pamphlets like "Horticulture and the 17th Century Church" and consuming vast quantities of "Moon Pie" marshmallow sandwiches.And then fate intervened.
Hort knew it was an omen when he opened the South El Monte Weekly Shopper and read "Atmospheric, Neo-Motown, post- Zydeco, pre-CBS psychedelic country surf, blues band with it's own van seeks sensitive, intellectual drummer with Master's degree in biochemical engineering. No flakes." Of course it was what would soon become the infamous "Swirling Eddies".
Singer Camarillo Eddy remembers Hort's fateful audition: "I new instantly that we'd found our drummer when Hort came right up to me and hit me in the face, without saying a word. And when I noticed tapioca pudding seeping out of his coat pockets, well, that was it."
Hort's intimidating presence and striking physical resemblance to Peter the Great (before his surgery) have made him an irreplaceable part of the Eddies' saga.
SURVIVAL IN THE OUTDOORSBy Rex Alfresco
Ok, let's get this out in the open. First off, I don't want to write this stupid column. Some clown name o' Armadillo Eddy or somethin' is blackmailing me. He come blundering into one of my skunk traps one day and he said he'd let a certain supermarket tabloid know of my whereabouts if I didn't write this hoky column for his newsletter, So, if I want to keep my anonymity in these exquisite environs I guess I better get to typing. This month's outdoor tip is on avoiding dangerous animals and photographers.
The most important factor in remaining hidden in the wild is camouflage. For instance, in winter I've found that my white sequined outfit blends perfectly with any glacier or snowbank I may happen to be hiding in.l've had polar bears sniffin' my pompadour and never knowing it was me.
In spring I usually wear the "Jailhouse Rock" getup. Hunters and hikers commonly mistake me for just another escaped con ditchin' the heat.
Sometimes it takes more than camouflage to avoid those nasty brutes. One day I was sitting on a log toying with a rap version of "Rock-a-Hula Baby" from Blue Hawaii when this giant anaconda come slithering down from a nearby tree and wraps his evilsome coils about me. Well, I can tell you he was more than a bit surprised when I picked up my guitar and began gyrating like Jimmy Swaggart's worst nightmare. There was a whole LOTTA shakin' goin' on! I musta thrown him thirty feet.
Well, I hope these tips have helped you become a safer outdoorsperson. I gotta run, I think I see Geraldo coming.
SWIRLING EDDIES TO ACTUALLY PLAY LIVE.More good news! The Swirling Eddies have started rehearsing for their upcoming CONCERT TOUR!!. Their first performance was March 9th at Biola University in La Mirada, CA. with Randy Stonehill. They are planning a cross-country tour this spring culminating at Cornerstone 90, where the boys will perform a special Daniel Amos retrospective concert as well as an Eddies performance. California residents be on the lookout for the Swirling Eddies Living Room Tour coming to a duplex near you. These guys are so cool it's SCARY!
Camarillo has informed me that the "sports theme" for the upcoming Eddies tour will be: cliffdiving. Many of you remember past DA tours which have revolved around such themes as baseball, basketball, etc. The boys are not fooling around this time and have put the word out to towns and cities across the U.S.- "We'll dive the socks off any of you sorry chumps, and we've got the I.Q.s to prove it." More about the tour in the next newsletter.
OF BURGERS AND BELLIn the last newsletter we promised you a chance to win a free phone call from your favorite Eddie and a wonderful dinner for two at McDonalds. Well, here's how you can be that special person. We want you to send us, in as few words as possible, a description of your encounter with Outdoor Elvis. The winner will receive the abovementioned prizes and have his/her story published in the next newsletter. The deadline will be May 30th. Good luck, I mean God bless.
Until next time, we bid you a heartfelt "Whoooaaahhh Nneellllyy!" and remind you all to keep swirling!.We leave you with this quote for you to think about when you're not listening to the Eddies.
Do we understand the freedom we have under the lordship of Christ and the norms of Scripture? Is the creative part of our life committed to Christ? Christ is the Lord of our whole life, and the Christian life should produce not only truth- flaming truth- but also beauty. The Christian is the really free man- he is free to have imagination. This too is our heritage. The Christian is the one whose imagination should fly beyond the stars.
Art and the Bible
P.O. BOX 20233
El Cajon, CA 92021
Let us know how you like the larger format and the new name. All letters to the band should be mailed to the Corona del Mar address.
Thank you and God bless.