The Swirling Eddies Spinning Vortex Fun Club
Volume 1, Issue 3 July 1990
Welcome one and all to issue #3 of Vertigo. We would like to extend special salutations to all of our new members and you unsuspecting festival goers who were tricked into picking this up. This issue is packed with thrilling articles and stories about those bad bays of rock: THE SWIRLING EDDIES! We hope you enjoy this special Cornerstone edition of the Fun Club newsletter.
Wheels are turning and deals are being made in dimly lit, smoke-filled rooms for the long-awaited release of the first two Daniel Amos
albums(Daniel Amos; Shotgun Angel) on compact disc. We'll let you know more in the next newsletter. Speaking of letting you know things in the next newsletter, we'll let you know all about this alleged tour in the next newsletter.
Until then, you should be at Cornerstone. All true Eddies fans are here and those of you who aren't are traitors and scalawags and shall be hanged at dawn. Unless of course you couldn't make it for some reason. UPDATE:The deal was signed with Maranatha! Records. Look for Shotgun Angel on CD in the very near future! You can also look for some Terry Taylor children's productions on the Maranatha! label in the coming year. Terry is excited to be branching out a bit and hopes these projects chart some new territory.
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Recent Terry Taylor projects include:
- Sin Disease
- Knock, Breathe, Shine
- Loud,Proud and Born Again
- sings Carman's greatest hits.
Rumor has it that there will be a new Swirling Eddies/Da project out in the fall in the form of a comedy album. The working title goes something like: The Swirling Eddies Miracle Faith Prickly Heat Telethon of Love.
There will be some new material mixed in with some old remixed, revised, retarded classics as well as the usual pandemonium. Should be interesting.
In the recent issue of Harvest Rock Syndicate the editors chose the top 50 rock albums by christians in the 80s, with our boys landing a record breaking seven. Not as many as there should be,
but...they are as follows:
#11 - Fearful Symmetry
#30- Outdoor Elvis
#35- Horrendous Disc
#39- Vox Humana
#48- Darn Floor/ Big Bite
Congratulations Terry Taylor & Company,
Band of the 80s.
MEET PRICKLY DISCO
Achmed Disco, the son of Jewish immigrants, was born in Dublin in 1901. He acquired his nickname, Prickly, at the age of 4, when he was sent home from the Heritage USA pre-school for having five o'clock shadow. He became a household name in the mid-seventies when he brought a five million dollar lawsuit against Nipsey Russell for plagiarism. Prickly contended that a poem Nipsey recited on Match Game '76, entitIed "Hemmorhoidal Tendencies" was actually based on some verse of his own entitled "Press this cluster and make me wine". He lost the case but was hired by Don King to write poetry for Mohammed All. This began Prickly's illustrious career in show business which culminated last year by becoming the seventh member of the Swirling Eddies. Camarillo was filming a PBS documentary in Nepal of the social habits of the Uruguayan fruit fly when he received a phone call from former band manager, Morty Allen,Jr. Morty excitedly reported that he had found another member for the band and that this one might even have some talent. Camarillo dropped everything and hired a small fishing boat to bring him to Hollywood, where he interviewed young Achmed for an opening in the Eddies lineup. Prickly leaped headlong into the audition by performing some minor surgery and reciting the entire Gettysburg Address during a single belch. Camarillo got pretty excited, but the Jackie Mason impersonation was the clincher. As everyone knows, Camarillo Eddy is a connoisseur of"Borsch Belt" schtick. Prickly was in and the rest is music history.
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"I will destroy the idols and put an end to the images in Memphis" Ezekiel 30:13 NIV
Cancel that trip to Graceland!
Survival in the Outdoors
by Rex Alfreso
Greetings friends, the King here again fulfilling my obligation to write this dumb column or be exposed. Let me get one thing off my chest before I begin. Enough with the fat jokes. You people really know how to hurt a guy. I mean sure wait til I die and THEN start in with the donut jookes. Did any of you ever once take me aside while I was still alive and say "Hey, King, have a salad, big guy" Did anyone ever take the time to say "Isn't that your fourth dozen, your highness?" NO!! Wait til I keel over and then tell me I look like Moby Dick with sparkles! So, from here on out, no more fat jokes. I'm serious OK, let's get to my topic for this issue.
FOOD FOR SURVIVAL.
Now, I know what ynu're thinking, "How can a guy who is so incredibly fit stay in such fine shape in the outdoors? What does he eat?" I'll tell you.
ANYTHING! I'm starving, man! Are you kidding me? Have you ever been in the woods? Have you ever seen anything even resembling an eclair out here? NO! This place is dyin' for a Burger King, (no pun intended). I've tried roots, nuts, berries, I've even tried to trap small animals and birds, (Do you have any idea how many sparrows it takes to fill one of the Colonel's buckets?)
I need help out here people! I want alI of you loyal King fans to pay homage and bring me SOMETHIN' A EAT!!! Take I-40 East from Memphis for eight miles, you'll pass a rest area with a Port-o-Let, (the throne),take the next dirt road on the right. Park and walk one mile due north til you come to a small glade with a hollow oak stump in the middle of it. Leave your packages in the stump, I'll take four Boston Cremes, Six jellys, two cruellers, nine glazed, five powdered, two qallons af chocolate milk....
The Swirling Eddies "Royal Flush" Rock Hairdo
- Apply generous amounts of Vaseline to hair
- Lodge head firmly on the bottom of any clan toilet
Thereby achieving that special Dairy Queen "soft serve" look! Amaze your friends, be the life of the party!
the Whirling Dervishes
The Whirling Dervishes were an earlier incarnation of the band we now know as the Swirling Eddies. Although they never achieved the legendary status of the Eddies, they did play at a junior high prom once.
Eclairs of Science
with your host, Dr. Gene Pool
The Birthday Surprise
How many people would you guess would have to be in a room before it becomes likely that two will have the same birthday (month and day) .With 365 days one might make a guess in the hundreds but in fact with 24 people the likelihood is 50 percent and with 74 the likelihood becomes 100 percent.
Stay tuned for the next issue of Vertigo for the mathematical formula which proves this. I hope you've become a better person by reading this. And I'm not a sissy boy.
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LOS ANGELES-Success has taken it's ugly toll on a few members of the Eddies, among them Arthur Fhardy. It seems our friend Arthur has been seduced by that frivolous California craze of personalized license plates. Rumor has it that a 1967 , Dodge Dart Swinger, Avocado green with tinted windows has been seen prowling Hollywood Boulevard with the plates ARTS DART. Shameless.
NEW JERSEY-Terry Scott Taylor, frontman for a plethora of obscure, Southern California rock bands, was taken into custody late last night and is reportedly undergoing psychiatric examination at Mellow Pines Mental Health Center in Pasaic, NJ. Taylor and his family were allegedly dining at the Stuckeys in nearby Linwood when an adoring fan approached the table and asked for an autograph.The fan then off-handedly quipped, "So, when's Horrendous Disc coming out on CD?" Witnesses report that Taylor's back went stiff, his eyes glazed over and he began beating the poor man with his Chicken Fried Steak. The authorities were called and Taylor was taken from the scene in a straight jacket, foaming at the mouth screaming "it wasn't my fault! Larry had the masters! It was all a misunderstanding! We NEEDED the new cover!" His family reportedly denied knowing him and left the restaurant with their napkins over their faces.
Spittle & Phlegm...the video
This review is reprinted without the permission of Harvest Rock Syndicate because hey! we have deadlines. So sue us.
You re not going to believe this one, don't try this at home. This is the video your Mom warned you about. Not only do Terry Taylor. Tim Chandler, Jerry Chamberlain and Greg Flesch (groovy rock hair, babe) test the limits of discretion and good taste, they appear to be having a grand time doing it. Not only do you get that rather disgusting clip of "I've Got an Idea", with all the Ed's heads kind of co-mingled together, but you get not one but two tasteless songs from a Holiday Inn lounge singer who is truly bad. And when I say bad, I don't mean good. You get an Elvis impersonator, and another singer who appears to be giving Wayne Newton a real run for his money, all in all it's trivial, common and aa real hoot. Now, there's the part where Taylor, behind a screen to protect his identity, says that none of the members smoke and then takes a drag off a filtered number; this is a joke, kids. If you order this one, you've been warned so don't send it back and expect your money back. Also. there's great footage as well of a full on stage DA brawl, filmed at Greenbelt, you got to love these guys. Really you do, it's a rule, and I should know, I just made it up. Put this on when you're ready for a party to end and drive all your friends away.
- Brian Quincy Newcomb
We wish to express our apologies to all those who have patiently waited for delayed merchandise orders. (Here it comes) We all have full-time jobs and families and sometimes it's hard to stay ahead of the many tasks we've undertaken here at Fun Club Headquarters.(boo hoo) We are still working out a few bugs so please be gracious and forgiving. If any of you have been waiting for a truly ridiculous amount of time for an order (over three months?) please write us, we may have lost your order!! It has happened.
We'd like you to meet Kishor Kumar Gokula, the Swirling Eddies Fun Club Compassion child. We are sponsoring little Kishor through Compassion International with proceeds from our merchandise. He is seven years old and lives with his mother and father in India. If you would like to write to Kishor or would like to sponsor a chid of your own, write to:
P.O. Box 7000
Colorado Springs. CO 80933
Kishor's number is IN-671-0171.
STATEMENT OF PURPOSE
Our Goal is to be half as funny as a letter from Robert Tilton. If we ever reach this goal, our jobs will be done and our mission here on this earth complete.
Write to Camarillo and the boys at:
3334 E. PAcific Coast Hwy
Corona Del Mar, CA 92625
Write us at the address below.
This issue was brought to you by SPAM, "The Breakfast of Really Weird People" , and by Swirling Eddies Toothpaste, "makes your teeth Rock Star white!".
This entire newsletter was designed on the Macintosh Ilx using Quark XPress and Adobe Photoshop.
Editor: Simeon Krese
Design & Layout: Jacques Squatte