 Thread: An Open Letter To All Swirling Eddies Fans |
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AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL SWIRLING EDDIES FANS
FROM CAMARILLO EDDY
Alright, listen up you ungrateful, whiney bunch of…er…I mean..my brothers and sisters in Christ;
Okay, I admit I blew it. Long, long ago, somewhere around sixty A.D., I committed to recording a brand new Eddies record, got you to send in your hard earned green-backs in advance to finance it, then suddenly found myself chasing after filthy lucre at a real job in order to feed my family. Now here we are several centuries later and still no Eddies record. God knows that for some of you, like the Israelites in the wilderness, grumbling has become a fine art, but for heavens sake stop it with the conspiracy theories already! I assure you that, contrary to what a couple of knuckleheads are postulating, none of your money was diverted to other projects---not Daniel Amos, not The Lost Dogs, not The Right Reverend Edward Daniel Taylor’s Miracle Pocket. So whoever the couple of pinheads are that are stirrin’ the dog duty here, let me say that I seem to recall a little scripture that talks about God hating anyone who sows discord among the brethren---which makes it okay for me to hate you to. Keep it up, and I’ll send Hort and Berger over to your houses to sew your faces to your groin regions.
You have my word that The Eddies project is still on, and frankly I want to get it in the can probably more than you do---not because I think it’s gonna be great (it will be) but because I just can’t stand the pressure of another round of “where’s the Eddies record? every time I walk in the door. My wife and kids just don’t know how to back off! I actually pushed an old lady down the other day who got in my face about it. Of course I apologized, but Mom was having none of it. She got up, held a hanky to her bloody head wound and walked off all in a huff.
By the way, since there definitely is going to be a new Eddies record, for Pete’s sake quit picking on the poor Townsend brothers or I’ll else let them have your money to do solo records instead---How would you like that?! Or else I’ll give them permission to claim they’re my cousins and are now the official Eddies. How ‘bout a worship album featuring The Evil Eddie Twins instead? In fact I’ve got the Townsends writing songs just in case I decide to go with this little plan. One of the numbers is entitled “God Makes Me Giggle.” They’re working on another one called “ I Didn’t wear Pants to the Bible Study.” Jason sings like Wayne Newton in an Iron lung, and Eric farts in time. You want that, huh?! Keep it up dillwads.
Look, I hate myself for making you guys wait, but it’s not like I clunked you in the head, burgled your house , kicked your dog and stole your car. Now I’m not going to ask you again for your patience, because I know that died long ago along with your First Love. Instead, I’m praying that you’ll receive strong delusion so that you think the last Eddie’s record is actually the new Eddie’s record and that you need to send more money for a brand new Eddie’s record, an Eddie’s box-set, and a feature film. And let me ask: Do you actually think your paltry pre-sales money will pay for an entire recording session? Eddy sessions are fully catered affairs---choice steaks, caviar, rare expensive wines, full service wet bar, exotic dishes and deserts, and a fully loaded salad bar. And that’s just for Spot! I won’t even go into what Gene Pool requires, except to say it ain’t Honey in the Rock, or gleanings from the wheat fields my friends!
Yes, I know that that whole $20 you sent in eons ago destroyed your nest egg and could have gone toward the purchase of a small popcorn and a box of Goobers at the local premier of “Beerfest,” but does that really warrant accusing me and the Townsends of fraud? Shame on you! The Townsends, if nothing else, are two of the most humble servants you’re ever likely to meet. In fact the last time I was at Cornerstone, they personally flew out in their private jets to meet me, then purchased a Rolls Royce in Macomb and hired a driver to transport yours truly to and from the festival site. When I asked for Jason’s coat (fur of course), he gave me his diamond studded pants to go along with it. Now there’s a servant! How dare you question my friends integrity!! Sure, I admit I was a tad taken aback when they kept lighting their Cuban cigars with twenty dollar bills from an attaché case labeled “ Fan Money Specifically Designated For The New Eddie’s Record,” but they quickly dispelled whatever consternation I expressed by assuring me that they too are fans and that this was their own personal money inside the case (to be restocked later) and that it was money for the new Eddie’s record that will be made right after this new record we haven’t done yet---all of which I probably shouldn’t have told any of you, because now you’ll be complaining that the second new record is late too. I’m actually thinking about recording the second new record first in order to get you off my back about the first new record, and maybe even giving it the same title I was gonna give the first one and calling the first new record something else entirely so that you’ll never even know the difference. So back off! I’m sorry okay?
Maybe I’ll just retire and let Bill Gaither take over the band.
Love,
Camarillo
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| Thread: Swirling Eddies - the midget, the speck and the molecule |
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AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL SWIRLING EDDIES FANS
FROM CAMARILLO EDDY
Alright, listen up you ungrateful, whiney bunch of…er…I mean..my brothers and sisters in Christ;
Okay, I admit I blew it. Long, long ago, somewhere around sixty A.D., I committed to recording a brand new Eddies record, got you to send in your hard earned green-backs in advance to finance it, then suddenly found myself chasing after filthy lucre at a real job in order to feed my family. Now here we are several centuries later and still no Eddies record. God knows that for some of you, like the Israelites in the wilderness, grumbling has become a fine art, but for heavens sake stop it with the conspiracy theories already! I assure you that, contrary to what a couple of knuckleheads are postulating, none of your money was diverted to other projects---not Daniel Amos, not The Lost Dogs, not The Right Reverend Edward Daniel Taylor’s Miracle Pocket. So whoever the couple of pinheads are that are stirrin’ the dog duty here, let me say that I seem to recall a little scripture that talks about God hating anyone who sows discord among the brethren---which makes it okay for me to hate you to. Keep it up, and I’ll send Hort and Berger over to your houses to sew your faces to your groin regions.
You have my word that The Eddies project is still on, and frankly I want to get it in the can probably more than you do---not because I think it’s gonna be great (it will be) but because I just can’t stand the pressure of another round of “where’s the Eddies record? every time I walk in the door. My wife and kids just don’t know how to back off! I actually pushed an old lady down the other day who got in my face about it. Of course I apologized, but Mom was having none of it. She got up, held a hanky to her bloody head wound and walked off all in a huff.
By the way, since there definitely is going to be a new Eddies record, for Pete’s sake quit picking on the poor Townsend brothers or I’ll else let them have your money to do solo records instead---How would you like that?! Or else I’ll give them permission to claim they’re my cousins and are now the official Eddies. How ‘bout a worship album featuring The Evil Eddie Twins instead? In fact I’ve got the Townsends writing songs just in case I decide to go with this little plan. One of the numbers is entitled “God Makes Me Giggle.” They’re working on another one called “ I Didn’t wear Pants to the Bible Study.” Jason sings like Wayne Newton in an Iron lung, and Eric farts in time. You want that, huh?! Keep it up dillwads.
Look, I hate myself for making you guys wait, but it’s not like I clunked you in the head, burgled your house , kicked your dog and stole your car. Now I’m not going to ask you again for your patience, because I know that died long ago along with your First Love. Instead, I’m praying that you’ll receive strong delusion so that you think the last Eddie’s record is actually the new Eddie’s record and that you need to send more money for a brand new Eddie’s record, an Eddie’s box-set, and a feature film. And let me ask: Do you actually think your paltry pre-sales money will pay for an entire recording session? Eddy sessions are fully catered affairs---choice steaks, caviar, rare expensive wines, full service wet bar, exotic dishes and deserts, and a fully loaded salad bar. And that’s just for Spot! I won’t even go into what Gene Pool requires, except to say it ain’t Honey in the Rock, or gleanings from the wheat fields my friends!
Yes, I know that that whole $20 you sent in eons ago destroyed your nest egg and could have gone toward the purchase of a small popcorn and a box of Goobers at the local premier of “Beerfest,” but does that really warrant accusing me and the Townsends of fraud? Shame on you! The Townsends, if nothing else, are two of the most humble servants you’re ever likely to meet. In fact the last time I was at Cornerstone, they personally flew out in their private jets to meet me, then purchased a Rolls Royce in Macomb and hired a driver to transport yours truly to and from the festival site. When I asked for Jason’s coat (fur of course), he gave me his diamond studded pants to go along with it. Now there’s a servant! How dare you question my friends integrity!! Sure, I admit I was a tad taken aback when they kept lighting their Cuban cigars with twenty dollar bills from an attaché case labeled “ Fan Money Specifically Designated For The New Eddie’s Record,” but they quickly dispelled whatever consternation I expressed by assuring me that they too are fans and that this was their own personal money inside the case (to be restocked later) and that it was money for the new Eddie’s record that will be made right after this new record we haven’t done yet---all of which I probably shouldn’t have told any of you, because now you’ll be complaining that the second new record is late too. I’m actually thinking about recording the second new record first in order to get you off my back about the first new record, and maybe even giving it the same title I was gonna give the first one and calling the first new record something else entirely so that you’ll never even know the difference. So back off! I’m sorry okay?
Maybe I’ll just retire and let Bill Gaither take over the band.
Love,
Camarillo
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